もえつきる

Its been over a week since my last post. Midterms didnt go well, homework scores havent been going well. I dont know whats going on, since Im working so hard and get shit to show for it. Oh well though I suppose. I just want to lay down and sleep forever, but I have another program due tomorrow, so I probably wont sleep at all since Im so behind with it at the moment.

It would be nice if I wasnt under this constant pressure, but if I keep thinking that I know something bad will happen. I fail out of school, 0r we have no more money (which we dont) and the govt wont give loans and I have to drop out, the family biz goes bust and we are all out of jobs/careers....I dunno, I cant even flip on the tv anymore without getting depressed about the state we are in. Everything is so uncertain and its all scary. We are already at the place where we have no money, dont know if we should keep the house, etc. I guess thats really stressing me out, especially because I have no one to talk to it about. And right now my notsohott grades and stuff make me feel like Im not doing my part for being in school. If theyre partially paying for it, it seems like Im just throwing it all away--but Im really trying to work soo hard....

I need a boyfriend. That sounds dumb, but having someone there for you like that is really nice. I think Im a strong person so its not like I Need a man, I just really want one. I miss it, I miss having something to care for that will care for me back. Someone new to bring the light back into things. Im swallowed by all the people here, stuck, but theyre all just...I dunno..I cant think..

Anyways, I should probably get back to work


Burn Out

~A.Sky

道路の交差点まで立ち上がる

Today I dropped my physics class. Genetics, Ochem, Computer Programming, and New Cosmology seem to be enough for me right now. I guess ill catch up over summer. I also filed to be an official Bioinf major, but even the major admissions lady questioned me switching from BioE...I dont want to be in it soley because no one can get into it, and I was one of the few qualified enough to get in the major...I want to be in the one I enjoy. But do I really enjoy bioInf?? I guess I am at a crossroads here.

Not much else is going on. Im a bit aggitated. Actually very aggitated, not too sure why. I just dont want to do anything. I want to sleep all day long--not move and just veg. Hibernate in my bed. But that wont do; midterms coming up and I need to raise the grades. We'll see. Hopefully I can start finding some motivation and get my ass out of bed. I need to start moving and get things done now while I can.


I need to stand up, and cross the road

~A.Sky

日本

Today I submitted a prelim app for Research in Japan (PRIME). I dont think my major GPA will cut it though, especially because this program seems very competitive this year. Things I have going for me though is that im BioInf (rare) and know Japanese and am a Japanese Studies minor. I guess if its a no this year I can always try again next year. I was planning on doing the EAP one next year, which is basically the same program, but takes up a quarter and a summer instead of summer. But I dont know if I want to take out those loans or not. Ive been wanting to go though since my Soph year in high school...*sigh* Japan you are so elusive anymore...

Ive been really busy. Spent the weekend at home and didnt get anything done because my family is so addicting. I have to make up for alot of stuff now this week, with quizzes this week and midterms next. I also added a class on Friday. Genetics, two weeks in--we'll see how that goes.

Well, this isnt anything interesting but I think Ill start some work now.


To Japan.

~Sky

いそがしい！

Today I am more busy than ever. I guess I should have gotten more done over the weekend, but I cant think about that now because then I just feel worse. I need to write things to do on here so I dont forget...

Tuesday
11AM -- Leave to get to class, check reshall for package
12PM -- MATLAB
eat/drop off computer
2PM -- Java Programming
3.30 -- Check Mail for Package
>4PM -- Pick Up Package
Finish Physics Problems/HW/Cheat sheet
Pick up Physics scantron
6PM -- Physics Quiz
7-9 -- Programs

Weds
8-10 -- Cosmology
10-12 -- Ochem
1PM -- Calc
2PM -- Physics
3PM -- Ochem
Eat
5-7 -- PRIME meeting
7-8 -- Hopefully finish Prog. Hw
8-9 -- Eat
9< -- Try to finish Calc HW due

Thurs
12PM -- MATLAB (finish)
2PM -- Java
Eat
3-7 -- Laundry, physics hw, finsih calc
7-9 -- Physics PB
9< PACK

Fri
9AM -- Ochem
1PM -- Calc
2PM -- Physics
3PM -- Ochem
4.50 -- Get Picked Up
5.30 -- Airport
6.55 -- Fly
8.30 -- HOME!


So yeah, lets hope I can get this done, and Im glad I wrote it out so I can see what I need to get done now

So Busy!

~A.Sky

良いスタートを

So, this weekend I stayed in my apartment practically alone. Roommate went to Irvine, Erin went home, An na went to LA, Jen was out doing her party thing. It was kind of nice for once to just chill by myself. I didnt do much but stay and sleep and dream to my heart's desire. I had dreams about weddings, family feuds, wandering through the dark abyss, reality shows at theme parks, dancing on stage--a little bit of everything haha.


Also have been having alot of things on my mind, potienital future, bad stuff from past, etc. I have to remind myself that its not my fault, right? One of those things where theres no real fault to blame, theres bad people and bad stuff happens I guess. Who thought Id be this 'old' and yet have many years beyond my age under my belt?? I keep trying to focus on the now, but when youre alone you find the most inane things to dig up, think about, asses, worry...I want to stop doing that so Im going to try to make conscious decisions to give up worrying about everything and 'go with the flow'.


Oh, and the one girl I really like hanging out with asked me to live with her and a couple other girls I know (and definitely like the best) next year. Im pretty excited and hope everything works out because I really thought Id be one of those people on uloop/craigslist looking for some random person who needed a roommate. Getting an apartment also worries me because the going rate for living in a double is about 550 a month, and that just seems crazy to me. If I was rich and could afford a room of my own its about 1200..whaaat?? I feel this knot in my chest whenever I look at my bank account--I need some money, but I just cant sacrafice my time for a job right now. I know my parents are doing all they can and I just hate being a burden; we are all struggling here.


So far this week looks like its going to be pretty good. All my supplemental classes start up and Ill be full swing in the libraries, getting my stuff done. Oh and I get to go home this weekend : ). Ill land around 8.30 on Friday and leave at 7.55 on Tuesday morning. My first official non Thanksgiving/Xmas/Spring Break trip home.

To a good start

~A.Sky

毎日新しい日

So, after years of not having a blog and since I am constantly trying to find a way to procrastinate, talk, or just try to make sense of my thoughts, I decided returning to writing my thoughts down would be a good idea. Mostly its being 500 miles away from anyone who gives a damn about me has put a gigantic damper on my self assurance that I really know what it is Im doing with myself. I have been thinking about all the aspects of my life that are being sacrificed for this 'greater goal' Im trying to achieve, or become, or whatever it is. I think back three years ago and all of the things I was involved in, all the things I was looking forward to. Eh, I dont know. Its funny, when I look around myself at all these girls living in this apartment--The Cliquey Partier, The Strictly Asians Allowed, The Secret Lesbian/Bisexual, The Regents Scholar..I see Im definitely not any of those and I really dont want to be. Then I look around at the people on my campus and none of them seem to fit either. The one place I really had it last year was with this group of people that over the summer turned into secret high school drama fanatics, so that didnt even work out. Eh, I keep thinking to myself, Just wait a little longer, itll come. Youll find a connection with Somebody. Youll be able to go out more, meet people, enjoy life. But Im sick of looking forward to some occurrence. Its like my whole life Ive been looking forward to being the jr/sr in high school, driving on my own, turning 18 with less restrictions, graduating and finally getting some breathing room by leaving EG. First day of college I met a boy and then it was *oh my god we are so madly in love I cant wait to get on with my life and have kids, a house, yadda yadda* Yea Right. Times get a little stressful after 10 months and we both say we will meet up in 6 years when we are done with school...yeah right again. So now its looking forward to getting over it and summer = big blowout with friends and now im back in school, this time completely alone, looking forward to moving out of this jail of an apartment (no car) where I live with a girl who wont even talk to me. I want to be able to look at the present and be able to say, "Today is and Amazing day!". But I guess things dont happen that way; life isnt a truly amazing thing if you expect every day to be enjoyable, pain-free or easy.

I dont know. I think its just knowing that if you vegged out for a week in your room and didnt come out, that no one would notice, or care youre missing, which makes it hard to deal with. I just thank God that I have my parents (the very reason I was so ready to leave home), because no matter what's going on in my life they are always there wondering how Im doing and wanting to talk to me. I dont need some halfwit premature 'best friend' here because my mother is definitely the most caring and wonderful woman in my life who is my true best friend, who always gives me the support to keep me chugging. I just have to keep on waking up (which has been hard to do lately, to say the least) and not let myself completely screw up what little I have going on here, because I believe that sooner or later my anguish and angst will turn into something beautiful, and I will be able to enjoy myself once again.

Everyday is a new day

~A.Sky