毎日新しい日

So, after years of not having a blog and since I am constantly trying to find a way to procrastinate, talk, or just try to make sense of my thoughts, I decided returning to writing my thoughts down would be a good idea. Mostly its being 500 miles away from anyone who gives a damn about me has put a gigantic damper on my self assurance that I really know what it is Im doing with myself. I have been thinking about all the aspects of my life that are being sacrificed for this 'greater goal' Im trying to achieve, or become, or whatever it is. I think back three years ago and all of the things I was involved in, all the things I was looking forward to. Eh, I dont know. Its funny, when I look around myself at all these girls living in this apartment--The Cliquey Partier, The Strictly Asians Allowed, The Secret Lesbian/Bisexual, The Regents Scholar..I see Im definitely not any of those and I really dont want to be. Then I look around at the people on my campus and none of them seem to fit either. The one place I really had it last year was with this group of people that over the summer turned into secret high school drama fanatics, so that didnt even work out. Eh, I keep thinking to myself, Just wait a little longer, itll come. Youll find a connection with Somebody. Youll be able to go out more, meet people, enjoy life. But Im sick of looking forward to some occurrence. Its like my whole life Ive been looking forward to being the jr/sr in high school, driving on my own, turning 18 with less restrictions, graduating and finally getting some breathing room by leaving EG. First day of college I met a boy and then it was *oh my god we are so madly in love I cant wait to get on with my life and have kids, a house, yadda yadda* Yea Right. Times get a little stressful after 10 months and we both say we will meet up in 6 years when we are done with school...yeah right again. So now its looking forward to getting over it and summer = big blowout with friends and now im back in school, this time completely alone, looking forward to moving out of this jail of an apartment (no car) where I live with a girl who wont even talk to me. I want to be able to look at the present and be able to say, "Today is and Amazing day!". But I guess things dont happen that way; life isnt a truly amazing thing if you expect every day to be enjoyable, pain-free or easy.

I dont know. I think its just knowing that if you vegged out for a week in your room and didnt come out, that no one would notice, or care youre missing, which makes it hard to deal with. I just thank God that I have my parents (the very reason I was so ready to leave home), because no matter what's going on in my life they are always there wondering how Im doing and wanting to talk to me. I dont need some halfwit premature 'best friend' here because my mother is definitely the most caring and wonderful woman in my life who is my true best friend, who always gives me the support to keep me chugging. I just have to keep on waking up (which has been hard to do lately, to say the least) and not let myself completely screw up what little I have going on here, because I believe that sooner or later my anguish and angst will turn into something beautiful, and I will be able to enjoy myself once again.

Everyday is a new day

~A.Sky