もえつきる

Its been over a week since my last post. Midterms didnt go well, homework scores havent been going well. I dont know whats going on, since Im working so hard and get shit to show for it. Oh well though I suppose. I just want to lay down and sleep forever, but I have another program due tomorrow, so I probably wont sleep at all since Im so behind with it at the moment.

It would be nice if I wasnt under this constant pressure, but if I keep thinking that I know something bad will happen. I fail out of school, 0r we have no more money (which we dont) and the govt wont give loans and I have to drop out, the family biz goes bust and we are all out of jobs/careers....I dunno, I cant even flip on the tv anymore without getting depressed about the state we are in. Everything is so uncertain and its all scary. We are already at the place where we have no money, dont know if we should keep the house, etc. I guess thats really stressing me out, especially because I have no one to talk to it about. And right now my notsohott grades and stuff make me feel like Im not doing my part for being in school. If theyre partially paying for it, it seems like Im just throwing it all away--but Im really trying to work soo hard....

I need a boyfriend. That sounds dumb, but having someone there for you like that is really nice. I think Im a strong person so its not like I Need a man, I just really want one. I miss it, I miss having something to care for that will care for me back. Someone new to bring the light back into things. Im swallowed by all the people here, stuck, but theyre all just...I dunno..I cant think..

Anyways, I should probably get back to work


Burn Out

~A.Sky

良いスタートを

So, this weekend I stayed in my apartment practically alone. Roommate went to Irvine, Erin went home, An na went to LA, Jen was out doing her party thing. It was kind of nice for once to just chill by myself. I didnt do much but stay and sleep and dream to my heart's desire. I had dreams about weddings, family feuds, wandering through the dark abyss, reality shows at theme parks, dancing on stage--a little bit of everything haha.


Also have been having alot of things on my mind, potienital future, bad stuff from past, etc. I have to remind myself that its not my fault, right? One of those things where theres no real fault to blame, theres bad people and bad stuff happens I guess. Who thought Id be this 'old' and yet have many years beyond my age under my belt?? I keep trying to focus on the now, but when youre alone you find the most inane things to dig up, think about, asses, worry...I want to stop doing that so Im going to try to make conscious decisions to give up worrying about everything and 'go with the flow'.


Oh, and the one girl I really like hanging out with asked me to live with her and a couple other girls I know (and definitely like the best) next year. Im pretty excited and hope everything works out because I really thought Id be one of those people on uloop/craigslist looking for some random person who needed a roommate. Getting an apartment also worries me because the going rate for living in a double is about 550 a month, and that just seems crazy to me. If I was rich and could afford a room of my own its about 1200..whaaat?? I feel this knot in my chest whenever I look at my bank account--I need some money, but I just cant sacrafice my time for a job right now. I know my parents are doing all they can and I just hate being a burden; we are all struggling here.


So far this week looks like its going to be pretty good. All my supplemental classes start up and Ill be full swing in the libraries, getting my stuff done. Oh and I get to go home this weekend : ). Ill land around 8.30 on Friday and leave at 7.55 on Tuesday morning. My first official non Thanksgiving/Xmas/Spring Break trip home.

To a good start

~A.Sky